People have been asking me what my issue is the past few weeks and I think its time to come forward.
March used to be a cool month for me. As a Leap Year baby, I spent the beginning of March celebrating my birthday and playing with my new toys. The weather was always crazy and I loved the fact that I could wear shorts one day, then turn around and wear a winter coat the next.
Baseball usually started up in March. There was nothing more exciting to me than picking up a baseball after what seemed like an eternal winter, but it's been a long time since I've gotten ready for a new season. Birthdays don't matter anymore.
My Father died in March, seven days after my birthday. As my birthday approaches every year, I feel his death looming in the back round like a quiet storm rumbling in the distance. It's incredibly difficult to celebrate life with a reminder of one ending so close by.
This March has been especially difficult for me. Besides the fact that I have to be reminded of my dad, one of my childhood friends passed as well. I can see the house he grew in from my driveway. When I sit outside having a smoke I see him riding his bike up and down the road. He had a Ninja Turtles bike just like me.
I also watched a relationship end. This is probably what's torturing me the most. I feel like I've been through this way too many times. I feel like my heart has taken as much crap as it can and honestly, I'm not sure I want it anymore. I used to believe that love and romance exist, but now I'm starting to think that lust is all there is.
Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life? I'm getting tired of the constant pain and the downer days, weeks, months, hell even years. They say that it is always darkest before the dawn and I'm wondering where my dawn is. When will I get to feel the warmth of the sun on my face? I'm running out of good things that must come to an end.
I know this is a load of bull to most of you and it sounds like nothing other than whining, but after all this is a diary and that's what it's for.
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